It’s a question which has become a cliche for me, but somehow keeps coming back – If today was the last day of your life, how would you spend it or what would you have done differently or are you satisfied with what you have done? . The question gets repeated, sometimes in my head but most often, by my grandfather.

There have been countable few moments when I have questioned myself. And I have had various answers. But today while sitting with Mutacha and just talking, I realised that I have a long list. A long list of things I still want to do but somehow feel that the time is running out. Is the time running out? I have no clue. But it feels like it.

…………

That’s what I wrote 3months ago and saw it in my drafts. I continue this post cause I thought of the same thing this evening.

Have I loved enough?
Have I been loved enough?

Have I stood up for myself when I should have?

Have I got what I deserved? Or did I get something more? Or did I settle for something less?

Have I been happy enough? or expressed my anger when I felt it deep inside?

Have I?

What if today was the last day of my life?

in this darkness

in the darkness of this night

in this cold embrace

i will find meaning

in the darkness of this night

in this lonely room

i will find meaning

in the darkness of this night

in this loud silence

i will find meaning

in the darkness of this night

i will find meaning

 

…. by loving you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

Abandonment Issues.

There are days when I feel that I don’t deserve a happy ending.

Not for any other reasons, but because of me (refer to the post about Self Guilt Index).

There are days when I feel like disappearing, so that I don’t cause trouble to any more people since I seem to be a cause of trouble to people I care about.

There are days when I feel others our disappearing, making me feel abandoned.

Abandonment. Its a difficult word, and a difficult feeling as well.

 

 

How do I feel now?

I feel like one of those people who’s so freaking miserable they can’t be around normal people. Like I’ll infect the happy people.

 

Tomorrow? (May be….)

Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it’s better than we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds onto that dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we’re lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is being able to dream at all.

 

Quotes from Grey’s Anatomy

illogical.

They say there is a place somewhere deep down, somewhere inside, somewhere you don’t know, that you feel exactly opposite to what you should be feeling at that place, in that context.

You feel lonely even in a crowd.

You feel sad even at the most joyous moment.

Tears run out even when you are smiling from your heart.

And sometimes you don’t know what you are feeling and why you are feeling, cause sometimes, there is no logical reasoning behind it, but it hurts and all you have to do isfeel it and sleep over it, till you smile and wake up to another happy day!

O, Happy day!

We are always looking for ways to ease the pain. Sometimes we ease the pain by making the best of what we have, sometimes is by losing ourselves in the moment, and sometimes all we need to do to ease the pain is.. call a simple truce – Grey’s Anatomy!

 

 

 

outside. my window.

shivering tree amidst the strong wind

the lonely eyes craving for some sight

cold hands waiting to feel some warmth

arms awaiting an embrace

trees trying to stand tall amidst the wind

| blackout |

In this darkness of the night.

Holding those knees.

Humming into the ears.

Vacuum all around.

The turning ceiling fan.

Half filled bottle of water on the floor.

The moist eyes.

Helplessness in thoughts.

The lonely emptiness.

tonight. early morning.

sleepy eyes.
south campus night canteen.
tea; onion and plain dosa.
quarter open eyes and mouth and deep sleep.
cigarette smokers.
dil toh baccha hai ji.
mosquitoes.
laughs and moments.
the night to/morning of April 12, 2011.

they just don’t know…

They don’t know that feeling the raindrops on my face is my all time favourite.

They don’t know that eating pani puri from that road-wala bhaiya, opposite forum with alligator is one of my favourite outings.

They don’t know that I can’t sleep without reading at least two lines from a book.

They don’t know that I have almost made Bangalore my home, since I feel like I have none.

They don’t know that I love Haruki Murakami and his books.

They don’t know that I still cry buckets while I watch a movie, almost any movie.

They don’t know that clicking pictures from the camera gets me high.

They don’t know that tropical ice-berg and cool blue are my favourite from CCD.

They don’t know the names of some of most important people of my life, my closest friends.

They don’t know that it hurts when there is no home to go back to.

And it hurts so much more,

Because they don’t try.

And now it hurts so much more,

That I am getting used to the pain.

 

 

chocolates.

in the ocean,
the eyes of love.
in the hug,
the ocean of care.
honoured for your emotion.
thank you.

There is a dream, a dream to fly high in the sky with a smile on the face, and to see a smile on that face.

There is a dream, to hold that hand and walk miles forever, without glitches, without regrets, with only love in the eyes.

There is a dream to see those eyes smile again with happiness, without any hidden sorrows, or any supressed tears.

There is a dream to see him proud of me, with a smile in those old eyes, to make him feel happy

There is a dream, to have a small home, with colourful curtains, and all those favourite pictures hanging and friends visiting, to make it alive.

There is a dream, to see the dream come true…